White Lines - Don't Do It

Just heard the new Snow Patrol single on the radio. Their last album was released in a turbulent time in my life and has become part of my soundtrack for that time.

However, the new single couldn't be any more MOR if it had cats-eyes and white lines all over it.

Disappointing, bland, warbling rubbish.

Room 101 #4 - Mobile phone contracts

I've never had a mobile phone contract, always preferring the relative safety of pay-as-you-go. I've seen people get stupidly high phone bills, automatically taken from their bank accounts, mainly on the basis that they seemed to have lost the art of talking using their mouths instead having 1 word conversations, at 12p per word, using the medium of 'text msgs'.

However, I'm now considering dipping my toe into contract land.

I've had a camera phone for a while now and my credit drops quicker than an x-factor loser's album sales whenever I send pictures of Forest games to my 16 year old brother-in-law in Scotland (who, while I'm at it, NEVER texts me back either, you know who you are).

Also, and this is probably a bigger reason, phone envy. A mate of mine has got one of the new TV phones and can see Premiership goals just after 5pm on a Saturday. Not much use now for your average Forest fan, but in 18 months .....

I mention in the pub that I'm after a new contract phone, and the table of people I'm with suddenly turn into a Monty Python sketch, The Rich Yorkshiremen. "When I was a lad ...." etc etc etc.

** start fake Yorkshire accent here **

"Get a phone like mine, 100 free minutes, 100 texts a month and a free case"

"No, no, no, you want one like mine, 200 free minutes, 200 texts, a free case plus an MP3 player"

"Call that luxury? The one I've got is better than that. 300 free minutes a WEEK, unlimited texts, a free case, MP3 player and if I lose it, a replacement to my door within 24 hours"

"Right then. The phone I've got pays you to talk, if you send a text a member of the royal family writes your message on Egyptian parchment & delivers it personally. Its case is made of solid gold and instead of a ring-tone, U2 follow you round all day with their instruments playing a selection of their hits whenever the phone rings. If you lose your phone, or even if you don't, every day a new one will be delivered by a scantily clad buxom virgin."

"And if you tell Vodafone that, they won't believe you"

Well, that's that then

Just when you think it's all going so well that you start to believe that maybe, just maybe, we could sneak a play-off place and be in pole position for promotion back to the Championship, they go and give us the kiss of death.

How do they do that ?

12:30 Friday afternoon, booked tickets to see The Wedding Present @ The Rescue Rooms in June.

Paid on the internet, job done.

9am Saturday morning, there were the tickets on my door mat waiting for me when I got up!

How do they do that ?

Game on

Forget the pessimists who cover themselves emotionally by saying we won't make the play-offs, another three points on Saturday (when not playing particularly well, the sign of a good team) and we're now only seven points off 6th place with seven to play.

My optimistic spark still burns, come on.

Still not feeling 100% on Saturday, but Cressie getting a free ticket meant at least I could go for a drink before the game, a couple stood outside the Trent Navigation at least made me forget about the Man Flu for a while.

Across the road to Casa (formally The Aviary, formally .... etc etc) and a surprisingly smoke-free, child-friendly environment to watch the end of the Merseyside derby.

Over to the true home of football for a largely forgettable 90 minutes. Nathan Tyson not at his best, but then what's the point when the opposition right back can bullet one in from 6 yards for you ?

A lift home and a quick one in the BPitW, the Fox & Crown, Old Basford, before settling down at home for a curry.

All in all, a decent Saturday.

Note to self; make sure you leave May Bank Holiday free, there could be a trip to Cardiff.....

Diagnosis

Headache, fever, sore throat, the sweats, not eating properly, it can only mean one thing ......

MAN FLU

What next ?

Like 'American Intelligence' or 'Microsoft Technical Support', life is full of contradictions.

From the Commonwealth Games, step forward.....

SOLO SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING

Saturday March 18 / Sunday March 19

As Liz Kershaw reeled off the playlist to her show Saturday morning, I knew it was going to be a good day. When she then plays The Wedding Present (Brassneck), you know it's going to be a good weekend.

Saturday afternoon and another good Forest away win. That's two in a month, almost a habit. Things are looking up in NG2.


All night in the "Best Pub in the World", the Fox & Crown in Old Basford. And what makes the BPitW even better ? Authentic Thai food. Not your boil in the bag, mass produced nonsense, oh no. Fantastic stuff. A pub that brews its own beer, isn't spoilt by an ear-splitting jukebox, has authentic Thai food AND is less than 5 minutes walk.

Sunday morning in Wollaton Park, chasing a football up and down the hill to the hall with my two boys. There's something strangely relaxing about sitting outside in zero degree temperatures drinking milky coffee, looking out over the park, wrapped up to the eyeballs. It seems to me that I must have spent a hell of a lot of time in Wollaton Park, from my parents taking my sister & me there when we were little, me & my mates taking bikes & footballs there, seeing Stiff Little Fingers, The Pogues, That Petrol Emotion all for free and now taking the kids. A cracking place deservingly receiving their share of idiot tax money.

Reality TV ?

I'm normally at Taekwondo on a Thursday, but last night found myself stuck relaxing in front of the TV.

Two 'reality' shows, one after the other.

7pm, House of Tiny Tearaways, where families with misbehaving kids are taken away from their normal environment, to be told that the reason their kids misbehave is because the parents are too soft / too hard / too stupid. Nothing to do with the poor kids. If the kid doesn't go to sleep until it's in its parents bed every night, you can't blame it for screaming until it gets to go in its parent's bed every night. Der. (Guilty, your honour)

8pm, Anthea Turner's Perfect Housewife. Apart from the fact that the program calls Anthea 'The Perfect Homemaker' (ask the original Mrs Bovey for her opinion on that), which century was this program made ? I'm half expecting Harry Enfield's Mr.Grayson to pop up at any minute. Icing cakes ? Go to the shops and buy one, idiot, life's too short. I aim to live until I'm at least 120 years old and I plan to go that whole time without icing one single solitary cake.

Which made the program that came on at 9pm the most realistic of the evening, true to life storylines, believable characters, a veritable historical masterpiece of its time. History teachers in 30 years time will be referring to this as a documentary...

Footballers Wives!

Catching up

At any one time I reckon I've got around 30-40 CD's I've bought, but haven't got round to listening to yet, but I'm getting there.

Released in May last year, and recommended several times since by Goldfish Boy, I've at last got round to listening to Art Brut's fantastic debut album 'Bang Bang Rock & Roll'.

Not since (bizarrely) Interpol's last album, have I found myself walking up the street, MP3 player round my neck, physically smiling to the sounds entering my head.

I must have looked barking mad.

Taekwondo grading #2

Monday night saw my lad & I's second Taekwondo grading. The first had been a fairly nerve-wracking affair, but I'm getting into the swing of it now.

I'm still not as fit as I should be, and after a couple of minutes of one-for-one sparring followed by the free variety, I was well and truly knackered.

But, we both passed, so we've moved up to yellow belts. Our ambition this year is to get up to Green belts so we can move up to the second class.

But the best bit of having a completely yellow belt ?

No sewing !!!

* I did suffer my first Taekwondo related injury on Sunday. I've got a cracking ironing scar on my right hand from ironing my suit.

Who on earth ....

.... thought that this was a good idea!

* see here for why this story has a vague link to my childhood years.

At last, a reason to move to Norway

Click here for a fantastic reason why Norway is now officially the best country in the world!

Friday March 10

A quick 'bus' pint in the Nelson set me up for a brisk cut through to the Gladstone.

A fantastic little pub, just off the beaten track, packed full of people just wanting a decent pint and a chat. Spent the evening discussing the finer points of the England World Cup squad, Nottingham Monopoly & Shed Boy's love life.

A brief stroll down to the Grovesnor to take advantage of the improved licensing laws. Superb.

Desert Island Discs

Following a post from an old friend...

In the very short period c2000-2001 when Sony Mini Discs were going to take over the world, I had a disc that I called 'Desert Island Discs', the idea being that if I ever got bored of any of the tracks, they could be deleted without having to re-record the whole thing.

It started, as all good mix 'tapes' should, with a statement - "It's a good thing", That Petrol Emotion, but also included Beastie Boys, Cinerama, the full 10 minute "Never Let Me Down" by Depeche Mode & coincidently, as it also appears on Paulie's list, Dexy's "Plan B".

However, as a boy of the 80's, it had to have a touch of New Romantic excess, Spandau Ballet's "Cut a Long Story Short". Tony Hadley's vocals still on equal footing with the synths & Bass.

I remember skipping over this track while sat listening on a bus back to Arnold, wary of the thoughts of the young girl sat next to me.

But I also remember the self-guilt I felt at not continuing my listening pleasure, fearing the scorn of a complete stranger. Never again, I promised myself, never again.

"Dance as though no-one is watching". A good motto to live life by, especially at 1am in the morning in the Cookie Club!

Franz Ferdinand vs Angels

The new Franz Ferdinand single, 'The Fallen', has the same opening guitar riff as the theme music to the late 70's / early 80's TV nursing drama 'Angels'.

And it's a lot better than their last single. Which, let's face it, isn't difficult.

Room 101 #3 - Psychometric Testing

We've all done them.

You walk into an interview expecting to be asked questions pertaining to the job you actually applied for, and instead you get frog-marched into a side room with an HR monkey and told to spend 3/4 hour filling in a questionairre.

You are then left to stew, to think about why they've asked the same question 7 or 8 times in slightly different tones. Following this is a meeting with the HR organ grinder who then, quite smugly, reveals your personality like some Goose Fair fortune teller.

Instead, try asking the right questions. If you want to know what my personality is, just f***ing ask!

Example, from my brother-in-law's mySpace page. I took the quiz, and was told something I already knew by someone I'd never met.

You scored as Too Far Gone - All American Rejects. You are "Too Far Gone" by The All-American Rejects. You don't worry how a relationship will work out in the end- You live in the moment, enjoying all the time you have with the ones you love. You are probably fairly close to your family. Too Far Gone - All American Rejects 95% Buried a Lie - Senses Fail 70% Minority - Green Day 70% The Middle - Jimmy Eat World 70% You.. - Taking Back Sunday 55% Helena - My Chemical Romance 55% Feeling This - Blink 182 55% Save Me - Unwritten Law 45% Work - Jimmy Eat World 40% You know what they do to guys like us in prison - My Chemical Romance 20% Burnout - Green Day 20% Home - Three Days Grace 15% What emo/rock song are you? created with QuizFarm.com

Rebus

I'm not a big fan of continuing drama on the tele, I can't really give it the commitment it requires.
The excellent 'Life on Mars' on the BBC was an exception, but even then I managed to miss at least two episodes.

The Inspector Rebus series, though, is an infrequent offering of single, stand-alone, episodes, neatly exhibited in 90 minute chunks.

I'm a big fan of Ian Rankin's Rebus books, ever since picking up a copy of 'Set in Darkness' during a period of a substantial public transport habit, two hours a day got me through a hell of a lot of books. Since then, I've gone through them all in order, a necessary journey to understand the main character, and his relationships with his superiors & colleagues.

However .....

Last night's episode was 'Fleshmarket Close', the latest story and one I'm nearing the end of reading. The story on the TV was so far removed from the book as to lead to question; why call it Fleshmarket Close at all ? The title of the novel comes from the discovery of a pair of skeletons in a pub cellar in Fleshmarket Close, something not included in the TV story at all.

I'm not against trimming the story down to fit in with TV schedules, but if the story is so far removed from the original, and the author was fully involved in the storyline, why not create a completely new tale ?

At least Ken Stott is a better Rebus than John Hannah. But let's be honest, Penelope Keith would have been a better Rebus than John Hannah!

Kent Police Christmas Party

Free bar ?

Friday March 3 - Old Basford

Started off with a few pints in the best pub in the world, the Fox & Crown. Quite busy, even busier than New Year's Eve. Why is it the best pub in the world ? Any pub that you can walk to, has friendly staff and brews its own (very good) beer is bound to be up there. Any pub that then opens up its own Real Ale shop next door, wins the prize.

A short trip to the White Swan. They usually have a decent guest beer on, but the one on Friday was awful. Double Barrel. Never heard of it before, and won't be having it again.

A brisk, cold walk to the Nelson for the worst karaokee in the world. Couple of lads arguing at the bar, looking like they're going to kick off. 5 minutes later and they're hugging like long lost brothers.

Onto the Horse & Jockey, into the back room for more karaokee, but livened up by the site of a gang of chavs & chavettes fighting amongst themselves, completely ignoring the baby in the pram at their table. Nice.

White wash alert

The Premier League have set up a probe to look at bungs within the game, as recently highighted by Ian Holloway (now on gardening leave) & Sven Goran Eriksson (leaving after the World Cup).

The leader of this 'probe' is the former Metropolitan Police Commissioner Lord Stevens, more recently involved with a 'probe' into the death of Princess Diana in Paris nearly 9 (nine!) years ago.

Rumours still abound about the Diana accident, pregnancy, drugs, the driver being a secret service agent etc etc, but as yet, nothing.

What's the betting that the bung probe reveals exactly the same level of rumour, theory and ultimately no results.

Reason to visit a psychiatrist

I'm not American, I'm not mentally disturbed and I wasn't breast fed until the age of 25, so the reasons for me feeling the need to visit a psychiatrist are slim.

Until today.

When I was a young boy, my primary school had a fete every year. For the school kids, this was quite a big event, the best bits of work displayed in the hall, pop for sale in the play-ground and the chance to soak the headmaster with wet sponges.

One year, I was on a mission. The year before had seen me finish third in the annual fancy dress competition, dressed as a prisoner complete with ball & chain. But this one year was to be my year, nothing was going to keep me from the top honour. Silver costume completed by me mam, spray painted silver pumps and even a chest wig borrowed from god knows where;

Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be Gary Glitter!

It all seemed so innocent back then, I was a young impressionable school-boy, and Gary was the leader of the gang.

If ever I needed a reason to inflate a psychiatrists bank balance further, this has to be it.

Room 101 #2 - After Eight Mint Wrappers

Not After Eight Mints themselves, but the people who will eat an After Eight Mint, and then PUT THE WRAPPER BACK IN THE BOX.

These people are the scum of the earth and deserve to have their dangly bits prodded with rusty forks.

A tip for the Kent Police

If I was the head of police in Kent, here's what I would do to catch the leader of the gang who stole the money from Securitas:

1, Arrest EVERYBODY in Kent.

2, Charge them all.

3, Release them all on £40m bail.

4, The first one to stick their hand up and say "Is cash OK ?", he's your man.