Eight for 2008

From Paulie at Never Trust a Hippy, what are my eight wishes for 2008 and what are the likelihoods of them being achieved.

Well, 2008 can't be any worse than any of the last five years for me, several good things surrounded by dozens & dozens of lengthy crap months could have led me to be a bitter & twisted old man before my time. But, as a good friend always tells me, I could fall in a barrel of s**t and come out smelling of roses, so 2008 started so much better than last year and is definitely going to get better, oh yes.

In no particular order:

Get officially divorced. (80%) There's nothing worse than trying to move on, but being kept back by red-tape. We both want it, everyone is happy to let us have it, but solicitors want it drag on and on and on and ..... Why ? What have they got to gain ? How much an hour ? Oh .....

Lose two stone in weight. (100%) The weight was falling off eating healthy (but occasionally dull) food, keeping up my exercise, not snacking, all the good things you are supposed to do until BANG, good food reappears into my life, all the items that you're not supposed to eat, butter, cream & double portions of everything (serves 4, I don't think so). I'm not complaining at all, no-siree-bob, but the good food has got to stop. Santa very kindly bought me a gift of Zorbing, basically sitting in a big plastic ball and being rolled down a steep hill. Bonus. To enjoy this, I have to be under 18 stone. Oooops. As soon as the Christmas chocolates have gone, an almost wasting regime is called for.

To travel to places I've not been to before (again, 100%. Easy this) I'm already scheduled for a stag weekend in Belfast in April, so already there on this one. A couple of the lads going are coppers, and more worryingly, dress like off duty coppers. Is it a smell thing, pheromones or something, or do they all have a crap off-duty dress code to adhere to ? You can spot an off-duty copper a mile away. I'll keep away from them. There's plenty of places I've not been to before where you can get from Nottingham East Midlands on cheap air-lines, so I've just got to get my finger out and get it sorted.

Forest to get promoted (50% but should be 100%) We should be walking this league and the fact that we're not is the annoying thing. Flattering to deceive on a very regular basis, getting caught out far too many times. I can't go through another Yeovil.

X-Factor to be scrapped (0%) You don't kill the golden goose until it's finished laying all it's golden eggs. And even then you simply rename it, change the rules slightly and flog further dead-horses to people too stupid to realise that their house has burnt down around them while they trying to vote between two showroom dummies dressed as they were told, singing what they were told, commenting what they were told. Morons.

Big Brother to be scrapped (again, a big fat 0%) You don't kill the golden goose until ...... etc etc. The scrapping of celebrity Big Brother is a start, but I think that's probably more due to the completely untimely death of Bernard Manning (about 40 years too late). They could get Chubby Brown or Jim Davidson to cover. Or half the Tory shadow cabinet.

Find the Alcazar beer shop open (10%). One in ten is about the current strike rate, and they wonder why it's not making the money. Simple advice, have some core opening hours and then stick to them. Still the best pub in the world, though.

To order a sandwich in Subway, tell the mindless escaped zoo exhibit serving me that I want everything on it, and then not have to answer "yes, everything please" to "do you want onions ?", "yes, EVERYTHING please" to "do you want olives" and "yes, didn't you hear me say EVERYTHING you deaf thickhead" to "do you want pickles". (Bob Hope chance).