Rodents

From the BBC:

How to train your cat

Cat training is the latest fad in the US, with people flocking to see if they can get their cats to stop tearing their furniture to shreds.

Firstly, why bother with cats, dogs are FAR better pets, what with not being rodents 'n all.

Secondly, they shouldn't waste their money going to these cracked up yanks when I can do it for free.

I had a couple of cats once, and I sat them both down, looked them in the eyes and trained them the following techniques:

Lounge around all day doing f*** all

Wait until you get your dinner served up before peeling your fat carcasses off the settee for the first time in the day

Come and go out the house like it's a hotel

When you go for a s**t, it's OK to do it anywhere other than that plastic tray I've kindly provided for you

Worked a treat.