Christmas REALLY is coming !

When do you know Christmas is REALLY coming ?

Hearing the first Christmas song while shopping in town, usually around August ? No.

Christmas lights getting turned on in town, towards the end of October ? No.

The opening of the first advent calendar window, now traditionally remastered to include chocolate and extended to New Year ? No, no and indeed No.

Christmas is REALLY coming when the Christmas edition of the Radio Times appears.

Among the recommendations for Christmas specials, the same films as last year, the strongman competitions (filmed in the summer as if to rub in the cold weather) and the soap story lines (Pauline dies ! Happy Christmas !), are the lists of new exciting programs coming up in the new year. Among them are these gems:

Snap Out Of IT - Half a dozen people with varying imaginary medical conditions are invited to stay in a house together, lectured at by an amateur psychologist and invited to 'Snap Out Of It'. Of course, following the success of the first series, you can always have 'Celebrity Snap Out Of It', 'Pet Snap Out Of It' and 'Car Snap Out of It'.

It's Your Fault Your Kids Are So Badly Behaved - A woman who looks remarkably masculine is invited into homes of parents who want her to beat three bells of s**t out of their out-of-control rabble. Look in awe as every week it turns out you can't feed children a diet of e-numbers, fast food & polonium-210, while letting them sleep fully dressed when they collapse in front of the play-station at four in the morning, and then expect them to live healthy, productive lives until they're 95. Who'd have thought ?

Either Buy It Or Don't - People who shouldn't really be allowed out of their rented accommodation are shown round various houses by estate agents and have to decide to 'Either Buy It Or Don't'. A bit like real life but with a camera crew, a posh woman and my dad.

Big Fat American Man Cartoon - Matt Groening shakes hand with an aspiring cartoonist. Two weeks later, the next new 'Simpsons' cartoon appears on SKY with Matt Groening as Executive Producer. Strangely and not-predictably-at-all, it's s***e.

FFSDIY - Lazy interior decorators decorate houses for even lazier DIYers. TV presenters who've lost the ability to wash, shave and iron their clothes are invited to put nails in walls for the occupants to hang their ASBO letters.

Your Friends Think Your Ugly - A make-over show for the munters we all know. Partners are invited to introduce their better looking, trendily dressed, cosmetically enhanced significant others full in the knowledge they'll get dropped like a stone when the first admiring glance comes their way. Or 'Your Neighbours Think your Ugly', 'Your Colleagues Think Your Ugly' or even 'Your Pets Think Your Ugly'.

Generic American Cop - A series about an American cop who, despite proving his credentials by stopping terrorists blowing up a train / ship / big building in the first series, saving the life of the president and then saving the world last time out, is still prime suspect in every crime committed within a three hundred mile radius. Not only that, but after battling alcoholism, gambling & a reliance to pain-killers, he now has to contend with his QVC addiction, while trying to save his fourth marriage and all the time searching for his kidnapped daughter.

Unfunny sitcom - At prime-time, the BBC introduce the next big comedy featuring a failed stand-up who, for some never explained reason, shares a house with a female friend with a strong regional accent. Their best friend is a bit wacky and all three are completely removed from any connection to reality. Either watch it now, or catch it on UK Gold in three months. Laugh as all three sign on when the second series fails to be commissioned.

Lost UK - A Midland Mainline train is stranded just outside Luton. Will all the passengers survive ? Will anyone send out a search party ? Is there a mysterious reason why all the people are on the same train ? What are the contents of the secret compartment beyond the first carriage ? What is that strange smell ? All will be revealed in the dramatic cliff-hanger episode. OK, nothing will be revealed in the dramatic cliff-hanger episode, but that won't stop SKY banging on about it.

Best comedy program of the year - The BBC do not publicise the latest comedy involving Armando Iannucci, put it on BBC 8 at 3am, and drop it after six episodes due to lack of viewers. It is quite easily the funniest program of the year, narrowly pushing 'Celebrity Your Friends Think Your Ugly Either Have Cosmetic Surgery Or Don't' into second place.