SrAlan & Son

More Apprentice, more b******s spouted by these self-proclaimed business geniuses and another one bites the dust. Noorul this week, telling the world how he loved his kids back at his school and how he couldn’t wait to get back to them to get them through their GCSE’s. I bet he’d have thought exactly the same thing if he’d been offered the job at the end, eh ? School ? Kids ? What kids ?

Philip kicked things off by telling everyone, and I’ll paraphrase a bit, “if you think I’m a t**t, then tell me”.

Well, Philip, you’re a t**t.

He then failed to let Lorraine talk him into realising the true cost of a rug. Surely the best option for all concerned would have been to shove said rug up Lorraine’s a**e, shutting her up, making us smile AND not making a huge loss in the process. Poor management, me thinks.

Ben is a rival for Philip, in so much that he’s nearly as big a t**t. “I’m a grafter” he stated, er, no you’re not Ben. “I’m a good leader” he added, well again, no, your team lost you numpty. “I had a scholarship at Sandhurst”. Well whoop-de-f***ing-do. I once got offered the chance to join the coaching staff at my boys school, a chance I had to pass up when I moved back to Nottingham. Doesn’t make me Alex f***ing Fergusson, does it ? And doesn’t everyone who joins the army get paid ? They certainly don’t have to pay themselves to get in, so in actual fact, EVERYONE who joins the army gets a scholarship.

Philip, you’re still a t**t.

Debra shot herself in the foot by arguing with Nick leading to an admonishment from the big man himself. “Don’t talk to HIM like a second class citizen” clearly forgetting himself that referring to someone sat next to you as HIM is cat’s mother territory.

Mona will be next to go, if she hasn’t decided to completely go into hiding, while James is improving every week. He’s now improved up to the level of village idiot.

And Philip. He’s still a big t**t.

Confirmation …..

….. that software developers are possibly the saddest people on the planet, as well as having WAY too much time on their hands.

From Computer Weekly.

Lucky Col’s review of the season

Usually it's best to wait until the end of the season to write the review, but after a bafflingly easy 2-0 victory for Reading over an abysmal Norwich side last night, Forest’s season has ended already.

And about time too.

I had this season as down as, and I quote from a post back in the day;

“one of the dullest seasons in living memory, mid-table obscurity secured by mid-March, no relegation worries to contend with and no disappointment at failure to go up.”

Well, there’s certainly no disappointment at not going up, the Premiership has turned into a freak show, a circus of play-acting cheating over-paid nancy-boys all cheered on by band-wagon jumping nobodies with more money than sense. Blackburn have shown some initiative to get the locals back into the ground, but these initiatives all seem to revolve around charging less which’ll mean relegation for Blackburn next season if they keep their heads above water in this.

And they’ll enjoy it a whole lot better down here.

Next season we’ll have Forest, Derby & Leicester, West Brom, possibly Newcastle, possibly Leeds, Sheff Wed & possibly Sheff United, Middlesbrough or Sunderland, Cardiff in a new stadium, a resurgent Ipswich, the Championship is the place to be, the true home of football in this country, where football is played in front of full houses of proper football fans, not your prawn-sandwich-eating-half-an-hour-for-half-time stuffed suit morons.

But how did Forest manage to contrive to leave it until 6 days before the end of the season to be safe, and then have to rely on another team bottling it in such morose fashion.

August

The season started OK, a relegated Reading matching us playing proper football, a draw fair on both sides, off to a good start. Then it started to go wrong. A goal off the back of Paul Smith’s head away at Swansea and a poor penalty decision setting the standard for what was to come. Watford were dispatched fairly easily, although defensively we let ourselves down again. The Watford game also saw the last appearance of the decent left winger, Lee Martin. At Wolves we were just abject. Wolves also saw the first appearance of the self opinionated lazy useless left winger Lee Martin.

September

Burnley were given all three points by a blind referee, Preston took all three with a header from the car park and then we couldn’t even beat Charlton. At home. Think about that for a minute. Charlton ! At Home ! Plymouth & Sheff Wed then beat us one nil, both relying on strokes of good fortune to grab their goals. It was at Sheff Wed that Joel Lynch made his debut, but was so far out his depth he should have gone back the day after. Fortunately, he didn’t. It was also at Sheff Wed that it became blatantly obvious that Andrew Cole was a wage grabbing football whore intent on doing nothing more than bank his money and go for a walk round green fields of a Saturday afternoon / Tuesday night.

October

Lost to poor Palace, QPR, & Cardiff sides but nicked a point at home to Ipswich. By which point we were so far adrift at the bottom of the table that the more than decent away win at Palace still left us six points away from safety.

November

Derby away. Say no more.

I went to the Doncaster match on a cold Tuesday night and saw a Rovers side completely outplay us for ninety minutes, but as they couldn’t score for toffee, the game finished predictably 0-0. I remember commenting how easy it was to get to their ground, something useful to remember next season as we were as sure as they were to return to whence we came. Doncaster’s climb to safety since that meeting would be my stand out performance in the Championship this season. Wolves are a team of thugs fashioned in a Mick McCarthy manner, Birmingham & Sheff Utd are just Wolves-Lite, Doncaster played decent football even when it didn’t get them anywhere and then stuck by their principals, and manager, all season. Fair play to them. And they let me park in their directors car-park, so no complaints at all.

And Norwich at home. Against ten men. Never again, please.

December

Winter was drawing in, but it was going to get a whole lot worse before it got better. Potentially useless draws against Coventry & Blackpool coupled with a defeat at home to Sheff United and the knives were out. An away win at Southampton might have stayed the execution, but three-nil down at half time to Doncaster meant, if rumours are to be believed, that Mr C Calderwood ceased to be an employee of Nottingham Forest Football club at around 3:45 on Boxing day afternoon. If you want a turning point to the season, there you go, right there. Just to prove it was the right decision, Forest scored five goals away at Norwich two days later.

January

Away from the pressures of the league, Forest travelled to Man City in the cup. Why is it that when Pools / Lottery winners agree to the publicity angle, that they always insist on claiming they’re just going to carry on being themselves, some staying on at work, drinking tea, maybe grabbing a quick Greggs pie just to show they’re still normal. The same goes for football clubs with a lot of money, sure they can buy anyone they want, your Deco’s, your Ballacks, your Ronaldo’s. But the first thing any rich football club does is show they’ve still got the common touch. Step forward Michael Bridges, paraded to the Eastlands crowd before kick-off, the footballing equivalent of a cheese and onion pasty. Nathan Tyson scored, in my opinion, Forest’s goal of the season in a 3-0 rout. And rout it was, not so much a cup shock as a reminder of how things used to be. Half time in the concourse at Eastlands possibly the best 15 minutes I’ve had as a Forest fan in the last decade.

Charlton were beaten, Plymouth were beaten, Sheff Wed were beaten, Cardiff were beat…, no, sorry we lost to Cardiff, but that didn’t matter, you expect the odd defeat along the way when you’re on your way back up, and anyway, we had better things to think about …..

February

Derby at home in the FA Cup. Apparently whoever won this had Man United in the next round, but not one person in the 30,000 crowd gave two monkeys about that. 1-0 after 90 seconds became 2-0 in fifteen minutes and all was right in the world. Then the wheels came off. Rob Hulse heading in unchallenged in the first half, Paul Green heading in unchallenged in the second half and Kris Common firing in dietly challenged to win the tie for Derby. Bugger. Three consecutive league defeats, the last to Derby at home again sent us falling towards the relegation trap door. Derby defeats at home are like buses, you don’t get one for nigh on thirty years, then some fat greedy lard a**e turns up who looks like a bus.

And just to highlight how unpredictable we are, we go and beat Reading on their own patch. Jeez.

March

A good home win against Preston and suddenly everything in the garden was rosy again. Nope. Three consecutive defeats again, including that abysmal non-show at Burnley and we’re right back in the mire, bottom three, two pints adrift.

April

So long as we didn’t lose to Barnsley we were OK, but it took a penalty save at 1-0 down to rescue our season. Maybe the good luck was returning. Three points have been won with penalty saves so far, and it’s not unreasonable to think that that will ultimately be the level of survival. Two home wins, including the, ahem, good fortune against Bristol City and three away draws set Forest up for avoiding relegation before the last game of the season.

May

Just Southampton at home left, who knows ? Hopefully a good game of football, lots of goals, two teams looking forward to the summer for albeit completely different reasons. I don’t mind, to be honest, so long as there’s sunshine and available beer.

It's been a poor season all in all, not helped by Clueless Calderwood's insistence that we weren't that bad when it was clearly obvious that "yes we f***ing were". It was absolutely imperative we stayed up, another trip to the dream factory that is League One would have crippled us as a club for years to come, but staying up will enable Billy Davis to build the club in his own small-man syndrome image. He'll need to be successful as ugly football looks so much worse when it's unsuccessful ugly football.

As far as I’m concerned the hard work for next season starts today, April 28 2009.

Less than 7 weeks before next season’s fixtures come out.

Come on U REDS !!!!!!

The magic of television

What have I learned so far from watching the latest series of the Apprentice ?

Well, for starters don’t be a project manager, because if you lose, you’ll get the sack. Managers would seem to have all the authority, but if you’re loud enough (Philip) and mardy enough (Philip again) you can effectively sabotage the project manager into making frankly ridiculously stupid decisions safe in the knowledge that it’s their head on the block. Calling your product ‘pants’ is a stroke of utter genius if you’re selling pants, completely f***ing suicidal if it’s anything else.

I don’t like Philip, he’s a loud mouthed knob who clearly fancies himself too much. “Business is the new rock 'n' roll and I'm Elvis Presley” he claims on the BBC website. No it’s not, you pillock, business is going down the swanny and you’re an over-bearing tosser. Hope that clears it up for you. But it’s ok, he isn’t going to win anyway. I’ve got a feeling that SirAlan has already pretty much decided on who are his favourite two or three (Debra, Kate, Yasmina) and will keep them in regardless. Everyone else who makes good television but is clearly unemployable, for example Philip, the mental James, deluded Ben or Lorraine, the second most miserable person on the planet, gets kept in purely to make good television and to make the eventual winner look semi-decent in comparison, instead of the over-hyped preening wannabee they clearly are.

Howard is a toady little arse of a man, the kind of kid you felt sorry for at school when he got bullied, tried to make friends with, then within five minutes got an understanding of where the bullies were coming from. “If I don't go far down this route I shall go far down another route.” Really ? Can I suggest a short pier.

Two candidates who I’d completely forgotten about until they popped up like a long forgotten cold sore were the utterly incompetent Noorul and the completely invisible Mona. Noorul dressed up as ‘Pants man’, a role he’s undertaken pretty much every week so far, while I’d completely forgotten Mona even existed until she stood up to explain to everyone else they couldn’t be the super-hero they’d need to aspire to be to buy the product. Genius.

But there’s one thing that I don’t understand, one thing that is starting to bug me about the whole thing. Every week is the same, the phone rings, someone in quite frankly childish underwear answers the phone, SirAlan’s secretary (minimum wage, has to be at work at 6:30 in the morning) tells them that they need to be on the other side of London in half an hour and poof, as if by magic a dozen sleepy singletons are transformed into sleek over-preened designer clothes hangers in less time than it takes me to have a dump in the morning.

The magic of television ? The b******s of television more like.

Unfortunately so true

Hat tip: Never Trust a Hippy.

Unfortunately this has been happening for years, anyone who travelled to watch their football team over the last thirty years would have come across policing of this nature, everyone treated like animals, lowest common denominator.

And the best example I can recall. Standing on the picket lines during the miners strike, the banter between the local plod and the pickets was always fairly good natured, Notts coppers in the main have generally always been a fair lot. However, you knew it was going to kick off when bus loads of the Met's finest used to turn up, wave wadges of £10 notes at the cash-strapped pickets as they made their way to the police portacabins, inside which they'd store their valuables; their keys, their wallets and more importantly, those nice shiny numbers that sat on their shoulders.

This has been happening for years, it's only now they're beginning to get caught. Will this stop them ? I doubt it, more likely is if you've got a video camera in your phone, expect it to be you on the receiving end of it next time.

Hat tip: Never Trust a Hippy

Music piracy a good thing ?

From the Guardian:

An interesting find by the BI Norwegian School of Management that while “Piracy may be the bane of the music industry … according to a new study, it may also be its engine.”

I’ve always argued that music piracy benefits the music industry in the long term, that the vast majority of people who download songs illegally wouldn’t necessarily have actually paid good money for what they downloaded in the first place, either through financial hardship (skint, student, child) or through having a greyer picture of music purchasing. There’s bands I buy CD’s from on day of release (Depeche Mode’s new album on Monday, for example), bands I’ll order off websites and other stuff I’ll happily pay a fiver for at Fopp in 6 months time. But past that is another group of music, bands I’ve got no intention of buying but wouldn’t mind listening to in case I’d got them wrong, or someone I’d maybe heard a snippet of a song on 6 Music and fancied a longer sample.

I can quite honestly say, with my hand on my heart, that I haven’t illegally downloaded anything I’d have paid for. Indeed, I have downloaded stuff from peer-to-peer sites and then off the back of a good listening gone on to purchase whole swathes of back catalogues.

Back at school, I couldn’t afford everything that I wanted, so we had a group of us who’d exchange what we did have. Home taping is killing music ? I don’t think so, home taping created long term music aficionados more like.

And the study backs up this claim, it “found that those who download music illegally are also 10 times more likely to pay for songs than those who don't.”

While there are clearly people out there who want something for nothing, not everyone who downloads music illegally is harming the music industry.

Not as much as these clowns for a start.

Forest 3-2 Bristol City & Forest 1-0 Coventry

Two home games on consecutive Saturdays, two wins, with a decent away point sandwiched in-between, all’s good at the home of football ?

Well, yes and no.

Yes, we NEED the points. We NEED to stay up this season. Another relegation would, in my humble opinion, start a long(er) decline much worse than before. Staying up with Billy D in charge will see us challenging at the top end of the Championship sooner rather than later.

However, I’m a traditionalist, brought up with Clough sensibilities of fair play & entertaining football. And this is where the negativity comes in.

At 2-1 down against Bristol City, their keeper develops an injury, the ‘wasting time’ type of injury you only get when in front, and an injury more common at the City Ground since Billy D took over. Their centre half hoofs the ball into touch so the now physically disabled stopper can get treatment. What should have happened next is this; we throw the ball back to the keeper safe in the knowledge that the referee has added on the wasted time, crowd applauds the sportsmanship and we carry on. What actually happens is we throw the ball into the corner and then close down the defender, winning the ball back before said defender, already on a yellow card, brings down the Forest player as he heads towards an undefended goal. Second yellow equals red, resulting free-kick results in an equalizing goal and we eventually capitalise on our advantage to take all three points.

All seems a bit tacky to me. It’s not ‘sportsmanship’, or ‘professionalism’, or ‘part and parcel of the modern game’ as many a commentator describes, it’s cheating, nothing more and nothing less. It’s no better than what happened to us at Wolves many moons ago, and if it had happened against us last week, we’d have been a lot more aggrieved than the paltry Bristol City support.

Against Coventry we were shocking In the first half, disjointed, clueless, nervy, full backs not getting forward enough, full backs not having the ability to cross the ball properly when they did. Apparently Billy D read the players the riot act at half time and within a minute it had done the trick, although the introduction of Gareth McCleary had a bigger impact.

I’m beginning to understand the Billy D mentality. Play absolute pish in the first half, lull the opposition into a false sense of superiority and then hit them in the second half with the ability we clearly have in abundance. James Perch, less jack of all trades and more the 6 of clubs of few popped up to score the winner, but credit to McCleary and the impressive Dexter Blackstock for the winning goal.

I personally believe we’ll stay up now, a win at Blackpool at the weekend and we should be safe.

Billy D will then have his work cut out. The loanees will go, which’ll mean we’ll lose Anderson, Gunter, Blackstock, Lynch, Turner, Osbourne & McSheffrey in one foul swoop. Noises are that we may get Blackstock permanently and Gunter may come back for a year, but the rest will need replacing otherwise we’ll end up in exactly the same position we were under Calderwood.

It’s going to be a long summer.