Lucky Col
Dance as though nobody's watching, love like it's never going to hurt

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Forest 3:2 Mardy Children

Good atmosphere at kick-off, and an even better atmosphere 50 seconds in as Majewski screamed one in from 30 yards.

Kris Commons contributed in his City Ground return, but unfortunately for him, only for the team in red. His crude tackle leading to the second goal and then giving the ball away cheaply & then not following back leading to the third meant that the decision to substitute him at half time was more in their favour than ours.

3-0 up at half time, surely even Forest couldn't mess that up.

Could they ?

Well, this is Forest so of course they could.

Derby clearly weren't going to create anything themselves so we gifted them two goals, while at the same time forgetting how to attack. Billy Davies got the crowd going with ten minutes to go, with an almost instant positive reply, while the referee managed to find ten, TEN, minutes of injury time. We hung on for the three points, but that is only the start of the real story.

Nathan Tyson runs over to pick up a corner flag from one of the ball boys and waves it in front of a raucous A-Block. He then cemented himself in Forest legend status by proceeding to wave said corner flag in front of the sheep fans.


Doesn't go down too well with a couple of the Derby players who then start what will eventually be called a 'brawl' which both teams didn't control their players sufficiently.

Lily Savage then auditions for his future career in ironic comedy by suggesting Tyson should "have a look at himself", comparing his actions to those at West Ham earlier in the week.

Well, Miss Savage, he didn't wait outside the local tube station with 300 of his mates chucking bricks at you, did he ? No, he celebrated the victory, albeit naively, which you bunch of mardy tossers objected to.

Remember, Savage, it was you that waved your free Derby scarf in front of the same A-Block less than 6 months ago, and you that waggled your fat arse in front of the same A-Block as part of your, ahem, warm-up (above video 1:50 in). Seems you can give it out but not take it, eh ? Don't forget that it was you that threw yourself to the ground as if you'd been shot after being tickled by Gareth McCleary in a clear attempt to get a player sent off. I didn't think it was possible, but I've got less respect for Savage now than before yesterday, and yesterday I thought he was a talentless turd picked for his antics that hide a clear lack of ability.

As for Natahn Tyson, he might get a fine and / or a ban, but on the positive side, he'll never have to buy a drink in town again.

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Friday, August 28, 2009

So, the East Midlands Derby is nigh. Again. The third Forest Derby game at the City Ground in less than 7 months. The cost of seat cleaning disinfectant leading to a cancellation of transfer bids on defenders. “What’s that Mr Ryan ? Improve our bid for Matt Mills to £3million ? Sorry, but the Dettol bill’s just come in, and we’ve got them again at the end of August.

The game itself could go either way, our defence is still shambolic while at the other end, we’re just not yet firing on all cylinders. Yet. Maybe Saturday will be the day, maybe not. Derby on the other hand are flying, absolutely hammering newly twice promoted Peterborough and relegation favourites Plymouth, while only losing to Premiership certainties Scunthorpe & Rotherham.

A lack of trains will increase the number of horse & carts on Nottingham’s streets come Saturday, while I’m sure Ikea will get their usual post Derby visit increase in sales as the sheep bothering faithful return to Derby with stories of painted furniture, cold AND hot running water, plus lights that stay on as if by magic at the flick of something called a ‘switch’.

Derby fans will tell you that they’re the dominant team in the East Midlands now and have been for a few years. We took over in the late seventies and won the league, back-to-back European Cups, 57 League Cups with countless other Wembley Cup Final appearances. They over took us ten or so years back and won …… bugger all. No, sorry, they did beat Newcastle.

So a win on Saturday and Forest will be back to their rightful top of the pecking order East Midland’s wise, while Derby fans go back to fiddling with their attendance figures and their wild animals.

And all the while, the pantomime that is Notts County trundles on down the lane. Derby fans must be crapping themselves in their tattered rags knowing that in possibly as little as 2 years, our Championship rivalry won’t be with their dirty little team at the other end of the A52, but our Swedish led neighbours from over the river.

And where would that leave little Derby ?

Like Leicester, and I wouldn’t want to wish that on anyone !!!

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It’s retro-a-go-go everywhere you look at the moment, teenagers in luminous skirts, odd socks, Kajagoogoo touring again, it’s like a time warp back to the good old days of the 1980’s.

And then West Ham & Millwall decide to reprise that other sad remnant of the decade.

As soon as the draw was made it was obvious there’d be trouble, but fair play to the Police & the FA, they could quite easily have put a stop to away fans travelling.

I’ve written before that there’s a larger proportion of Millwall fans that behave, no sorry, ARE animals than follow your average clubs, but the same can be said for West Ham.

Row after row of shaved headed, check-shirt wearing Danny Dyer wannabees. And what a s**t role model. Danny f***ing Dyer. The t**t.

I mean, look at this prize bell-end, looks like he's still in nappies.

I’ve always loved going to football ever since the early seventies when my dad took me down to watch Forest in the old second division. I wasn’t too old when I started going on my own, meeting up with friends in the Old Trent End for home matches before starting travelling away.

But unfortunately I fitted the profile, big lad, nice-ish clothes, late teens. Being searched at the turnstiles wasn’t only common-place, it was the minimum I’d expect. A fantastic away trip to Leicester summed it up for me when I was singled out to be made an example of in front of a few hundred recently arrived Forest fans. My crime ? Wrong place at the wrong time.

Fortunately now I know I can go away with impunity. When going to Barnsley in the early nineties meant missing out on pre-match drinks because Forest “scabs” were offered flying pint glasses from 20 yards, I’m now planning my trip to Sheffield in a couple of weeks based on a CAMRA guide to the best places to drink.

Times have changed, and for the better.

Will the trouble Tuesday night rekindle the knee jerk reactions seen by the Thatcher government in the eighties, away-fan bans, membership cards, loss of European competition ? I doubt it, most of the reaction seem to acknowledge that this is a minority of people, some not even having tickets to the game.

However, what is obvious from Tuesday night is that this problem hasn’t gone away completely, and as much as it was completely & utterly predictable, the police were powerless to stop it. In the eighties you had under-cover cops infiltrating the hooligan gangs. Now days we’re told that Police monitor internet forums, chat-rooms and the like to find out what’s being planned. It’s clear from Tuesday that they’ve lost this control.

The majority of West Ham fans are decent people, and it’s those people who’ll suffer more from this. The sub-human pond-life who caused the trouble inside the ground should be identified and banned for life from every football ground in the country.

Maybe closing Upton Park down until they are all identified would quicken this process.

Thursday, August 27, 2009


From the BBC:

Microsoft in web photo racism row

Software giant Microsoft has apologised for editing a photo to change a black man's head to that of a white man.

The picture, showing employees sitting around a desk, appeared unaltered on the firm's US website.

But on the website of its Polish business unit the black man's head was replaced with a white face, although the colour of his hands was unchanged.


About 12 years too f***ing late

Big Brother finally cancelled.

Good news really, the following graph details how the average IQ of a Big Brother viewer has dipped over the years ...


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Forest 2:4 Watford

Unfortunately, as big a case of morning after lethargy as you’re ever likely to see. A continuation of Saturday for the first & last five minutes of the first half but apart from that, absolute garbage.

Five minutes of passing football reverted to plan B, hit long balls in the vain hope Dele ‘makes Grant Holt look good’ Adebola can flick them on. This should be an option, not our main tactic.

Watford took the lead when ‘big’ Wes Morgan was out-jumped at the far post. Forest should have had a free-kick and a possible Watford dismissal for as blatant a handball as you’re ever likely to get, but to blame the defeat on that would be churlish, we got exactly what we deserved out of this, bugger all.

Still we insisted on hitting it long to Adebola, still without any reward. Then, with injury time approaching, a change in attitude, balls on the floor and suddenly we’re level. Their keeper will think he should have done better, Blackstock shinning it in from a yard out, but a goal’s a goal and the speed at which the ball was returned to the centre spot at least showed that the players weren’t simply interested in being level.

Second half and again, the long balls were sent up to Adebola. There’s a pattern emerging here. Long balls don’t get results, passing it on the floor does.

Billy Davies came up with a master-stroke midway through the second half. Realising that launching long balls up front to Dele ‘QE2’ Adebola would be aided by the simple fact of Dele ‘worse than me’ Adebola actually playing rather than sitting on the bench. Little Rob Earnshaw isn’t going to win balls in the air, so why bother.

Watford scrambled a fortunate second to retake the lead, but there was nothing fortunate about the third two minutes later, an unchallenged shot from the edge of the box beating Lee Camp fairly easily.

Adebola pulled one back to kick-start the possibility of a come-back, thwarted in injury time by Watford’s fourth, in front of a fast emptying City Ground.

So why were we so poor when we were so much better on Saturday ? Personally I believe the match was already lost at the weekend, the Watford scout sat in the stands saw Nathan Tyson as our main threat & major outlet and decided to close that avenue off, leading to previously competent players giving the ball away on far too many occasions ultimately leading to a hoof-ball mentality without the necessary players up front to pull it off. Billy Davies is going to have to start winning these tactical battles otherwise worse teams than us on paper, such as Watford, will club together and beat us where it counts.

Hopefully the QPR scout sat in the stands last night will have noted how poor Nathan Tyson was last night and not bother with him on Saturday. Fingers crossed.

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Vein opening time again

A new series of the X-Factor starts on Saturday, joy of all joys.

Not content with subjecting a clearly mentally unstable woman to unbearable pressure in Britain's Got Mental People With Talent, the X Factor now drags through a man with Asperger's, someone who didn't leave his house for years because of his condition, but who will be allowed to join in with this human freak show on the potentially criminally negligent hand-washing excuse that it is "his choice".

Why can't they pick properly mentally ill contestants, maybe someone with unstoppable psychopathic tendencies and access to a huge arsenal. Do us all a favour.

Very surprising

From the BBC:

Not surprising at all that in a survey ....

Almost half of 2,000 drinkers surveyed reported fatigue the day after drinking more than the recommended daily limit.

And neither is the finding that after drinking too much ....

.... the drinker needs more frequent trips to the toilet.

and ....

.... can also lead to a headache emanating from the inner lining of the skull.

No, the surprising bit is this:

The survey by YouGov was carried out for the Know Your Limits campaign, started three years ago.

THREE YEARS !!! To find out drinking too much makes you tired, p**s more and gives you a f***ing headache !!!

I'm in the wrong job.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Get a f***ing proper job, you sponging b******s

From the BBC:

Science ponders 'zombie attack'

If zombies actually existed, an attack by them would lead to the collapse of civilisation unless dealt with quickly and aggressively.

That is the conclusion of a mathematical exercise carried out by researchers in Canada.

They say only frequent counter-attacks with increasing force would eradicate the fictional creatures.

The scientific paper is published in a book - Infectious Diseases Modelling Research Progress.

So, not content with wasting their time and Canadian tax payers money, they then f***ing publish their findings under the description of 'scientific paper'.

What, has cancer been eradicated during my time on holiday and I didn't notice ? Have they finally found a cure for Swine Flu ? Is poverty finally at an end ?

If there's one thing worse than f***ing students, it's f***ing students so dependant on the primary school mentality doled out to them in supposed high end institutions such as this, so reluctant to sample the adult joy of the outside world, so clinging to the institutionalised t*t, that maybe this isn't the right type of institution they should be in long term.

Maybe they should be locked up and given the opportunity to investigate being living zombies at first hand.

I'll believe it when it happens

From the BBC:

Train fares set to fall in 2010

Almost half of UK rail fares, including most commuter journeys, are set to fall by 0.4% next year after a key inflation measure remained near a record low.

And I'll eat my hat .....

Forest 0:1 Lucky Lucky West Brom

The first game in my new seat and a vast improvement on last seasons left-field view, dead centre, cracking view, good atmosphere and a nice variety of supporters around. Also gladly absent were the frankly miserable, inane, puerile, childish, unfunny rantings of the three morons two rows back. If you know the three retards who sat last season in row H, right at the left hand side of the Upper Trent End as you look at the pitch, tell them to f***ing stay there and not to move anywhere else. Those three were the only reason I moved this season, the f***ing half-wits.

Anyway, the game ……

Forest 0:1 West Brom

And there you go, that was the score, that’s what’ll appear in the record books for years to come, that one line, two teams, two numbers.

And that doesn’t even start to tell the story. It’s not even the same story. Not even in the same book.

Forest were a class above. West Brom are one of the promotion favourites but we simply out-played them, wave after wave of attacks forcing the baggies into complete defence. When they did manage to get over the half-way line, their passing was so woeful that someone in the Lower Trent End must have been wearing a stripy top. Poor doesn’t cover it. Tyson on the left made their right back look like he’d been nailed to the floor, while Paul Anderson continues his ‘miss-him-when-he’s-not-there’ cameo. McKenna in midfield is immense making Neil Lennon look, in hindsight, completely like the sponging wife-cheating tosser he most clearly was during his Forest “career”.

Don’t even think that West Brom can use the old adage of playing badly and still winning being the sign of a good team. They did win, they were lucky, but believe me they are a shocking team. Relegated last season and that was why, poor defending, rubbish in midfield, clueless up front and a clown in goal. How Scott Carson gets in the England team in front of, say, Robert Green, Paul Robinson, David James or even ME FFS is a complete mystery. What he did, he did badly, presenting Dele ‘fat Jason Lee’ Adebola with two chances that someone with less cart-horse potential would have put away in his sleep. Why Robbie Earnshaw feels the need to play games against him at the penalty is beyond me, even if you kick the ball straight at him, you’d get another go, chances against Scott Carson are like cheap bags of crisps at ASDA, you have one, you get one free.

But there we go, two games into the season, 1 point, no goals BUT, far, far, far better than last season. The movement, the passing, the tackling back, winning 50-50’s, creating chances (even if they are missed) are all better than last term.

To quote another old adage; someone is due a right tonking one day and hopefully that day is Tuesday against a frankly poor Watford side. Someone is going to get done six or seven. Trust me, it WILL happen.

We started last season off with a goal-less draw against Reading, an easy home League Cup win, a dodgy defeat including a comical own goal before being given the opportunity to turn it around at home to the Hornets, so it’s all written in the stars.

So long as we don’t lose heavily to the eventual champions in the last week in August, I won’t mind.

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Wednesday, August 05, 2009

How not to live your life

I love Come Dine With Me, not so much the arrogant participants specially hand-picked to grate on each other, but more for Dave Lamb’s quite clearly p**s taking commentary. Last nights episode had one contestant questioning the validity of someone else’s food because they hadn’t caught the salmon themselves while they had made their own bread. As if anyone is going to go out of their way to catch a salmon, gut it, set up a smoking facility in their house simply to provide some nibbles for a televised dinner party. I’d have asked whether the miserable bint had grown the wheat herself or cultured the live yeast, before ramming my hand down her throat to retrieve the obviously not-to-her-liking bellinis.

I say last night’s episode, but if you look around enough, it’s on at least three times a day on various Channel 4 stations, all showing different episodes from different series, Mr Lamb’s commentary getting more ascorbic as each series passes.

And this is the problem with Channel 4, lots of time to fill, and not a great deal to fill it with.

Alan Partridge had the best ideas, good names to as yet uncommisioned TV series, ‘Away with the Partridge’ etc, all completely shot down in flames. That was, of course, in the fictional world created by Steve Coogan. When all ideas were shot, he began simply making up names, mixing random words until the only thing he could think of was ‘Monkey Tennis’, an idea so poor, so ridiculous that even Alan Partridge couldn’t believe he’d uttered the words.

So, in a tale of truth being stranger than fiction, one of the programs advertised during the break of Come Dine With Me was an American (shock) program ‘My Monkey Baby’. You have to ask yourself, which programs did they actually turn down before deciding that a program entitled ‘My Monkey Baby’ was a good idea ?

A classic example of a seasoned TV executive, bored to tears by endless variations of the ‘Big Brother / Jungle / Shark / Car crash / Celebrity’ roundabout decides to put words in a bucket and pick put several at random, demanding his new intake of “ I’m completely incapable of learning f**k all else, I know I’ll do media studies” graduates into making said program for the gullible post Big Brother audiences.

The other side of this, of course, is at the BBC where the absolutely stunning Psychoville and the sublimely brilliant How Not to Live Your Life are ostracised off to a deathly 10pm BBC2 slot with no advertising at all.

It’s enough to make you lose control and smack your monkey baby hard enough that’ll eventually it’ll give it an excuse to rip your throat out when it’s old enough. Oh look, it’s a monkey dressed up as a baby, isn’t it cute ? No, it’s a cannibalistic wild animal that thinks nothing of tearing it’s own family to death after the first sign of dominant behaviour or the first pang of hunger, what makes you think you’re so f***ing special, you American retard ?

Monday, August 03, 2009

Predictions 2009 / 10

I guess the best thing to start with would be a review of last season.

Some good, some not so good, some f***ing awful, but there you go.

Man United, Chelsea & Arsenal to contend for the league, to finish in that order with only 4-5 points between them. Liverpool to finish 4th, out of the title race by October …

Well, Man United won the league, but then that didn’t take a genius, although Liverpool kind of semi-pushed them some of the way. Had someone else managed to give Man United the push they needed, they could quite easily have performed better in the Champions League final laugh-a-thon. Ah well.

Spurs and (surprisingly) Newcastle to battle it out for 5th.

Oops. I thought Newcastle would have done better last season, and a decent start at Old Trafford seemed to confirm that view. However, as soon as serial bottler ‘Super Kev’in Keegan bottled it, there was only one direction Newcastle could go. Shame.

Everton will struggle this season to mid-table obscurity alongside Man City & Aston Villa.

Oops again. Although relatively, none of these sides were even close to threatening the established top four.

Portsmouth will have a decent run in Europe, but it will cost them a top half finish.

Kind of, but really, who gives a s**t ?

At the bottom, we could have a bet on who finishes higher out of Stoke or Hull. Personally I think Stoke will finish on zero points, but still edge Hull on goal difference. Derby’s poor record is under serious threat. Apart from those two, it’ll be Wigan for the third relegation spot.

Nope, nope and indeed, nope. Stoke & Wigan stayed up fairly easily, while Hull did enough in the first half of the season to be able to give up completely after January.

I would have said Fulham but they seem to have spent quite wisely this summer and could force a top ten spot.

Probably my best piece of predicting from last season, but let’s face it, you throw enough eggs, sooner or later one of them’ll hit.

In the Championship, it’s between Birmingham & Reading. Why people keep saying Wolves is beyond me …

Well, Reading had it in their pocket, but struggled to win at home in the second half of the season, not even scoring against a relegation dogged Forest side in 180 minutes. Wolves just took advantage of other clubs messing it up to surge through on the outside. That’s my reasoning and I’ll stick to it.

I’d love to see Forest challenging for a play-off spot, but maybe a season of not having to worry about things in April might do wonders for my aging heart.

That would have been nice, but unfortunately Coco the Clown Calderwoodout decided my heart needed more exercise. At least he ended the season in a good job, coach at Newcastle. Whatever happened to them ?

In League 2 it was …

Bournemouth for me …

… right up until the point that the FA stepped in.

League Cup – Spurs or Chelsea, but honestly, who cares ?

Well, Spurs got to the final, so not bad, and …

FA Cup – one of the big four

Good, but hardly Nostrodamus.

So, what for this season ?

Man United to win the league, although a lot tighter this season, in front of Liverpool & Chelsea. Arsenal to struggle and it wouldn’t surprise me if Arsene Wenger is employed somewhere else by this time next year. Man City to finish top six, but will this be enough to keep Mark Hughes in a job ?

Portsmouth & Hull to finish bottom two. Banker. Then it’s between Blackburn, Stoke, Wolves & Birmingham for the other relegation berth.

Newcastle could win the Championship at a canter, or they could disappear mid-table, or they could get relegated, all depending on what happens off the pitch. Mike Ashley seems intent on completely destroying the club from the ground up. He could place the club into administration simply to keep some of his cash intact, he’s that kind of man. Sheff Utd to do well, alongside Reading & Middlesbrough. West Brom will be up there, but not running away with it as they would have done had they managed to keep hold of their manager. Forest to finish anywhere between 5th and 15th, but where, nobody knows. Derby to struggle with their cheap band of non-league rejects, but no surprises this season at the wrong end with Barnsley, Scunthorpe & Plymouth so guaranteed relegation that the other 21 clubs could simply not turn up for the next nine months and still stay up. Cardiff & Swansea to surprisingly struggle alongside each other.

Charlton, Norwich & MK Dons to battle it out at the top of League One, Southampton to battle away, but just miss out on the play-offs from a dodgy starting position.

In League Two, Notts to do well with their look-a-likey front men, Luke Rodgers and the man the Evening Post subtly dubbed ‘Deadly’, Lee Hughes.

League Cup – I’m going to stick my neck out with the League Cup this season and say a team from outside the top flight will at least get to the final, if not win it.

FA Cup – Couple of big surprises early doors, but still one of the big four to win it. But will Arsenal still be included in that list come the end of the season ?

Champions League – Will Real Madrid and their collection of curios gel on the big stage, or falter under the weight of all their collective egos ? Will Barcelona’s captivating football win the day again ? Will an English side get to the final again ? But overall, who cares ?