Nail on the head, as usual

Only just stopped laughing after Wednesday night, Ronaldo's stropping about for the last time in a United shirt, Giggs & Scholes realising that their time is up and Vidic showing himself up as the second rate bottler he really is.

But, as usual, Stress & Pie hit the nail on the head with this brief, but accurate, match report:

Barcelonia 2 Manchester Sulky Boys 0

Manchester United should be ashamed of themselves. They've let their club down, they've let their fans down, they've let Manchester down, they've let the Premiership down, they've let England down, they've let football down. If it weren't so funny, it would be a disgrace.

Am I being greedy ?

It’s been a good weekend for football results, Millwall slipping up meaning we won’t have to put up with their animalistic following cluttering up the City Ground next season. Sheffield United getting their just deserts meaning their moronic & pointless ‘scab’ chants will be heard again, as well as not having to go back to the 1960’s mecca that is Turf Moor for at least one season, plus the absolute bonus ball of Newcastle getting dumped off their self-deluded perch.

So am I being a bit greedy asking for Barcelona to rightfully win the title of best team in Europe rather than have to listen to the plastic mancs bang on for another 12 months.

While there is now an acceptance that the Champions League isn’t the European cup, it would still be nice to know that Man United have never retained either, as opposed to the giants of European football, Real Madrid, AC Milan, Inter, Liverpool, Bayern Munich, Ajax & Benfica.

Anyone else missing off that list ?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ............

Hold up, calm down

At the risk of being controversial and not agreeing with the current mass hysteria that “they’re all at it” and we need a complete clear out of ALL MP’s, since when has government changed laws which reflect on us all on the back of a Daily Telegraph campaign ? THE F***ING DAILY TELEGRAPH FOR F***S SAKE.

Sure, there have been some MP’s who have broken the rules and these should be punished. Clearly any MP who can afford to give back £13K just like that hasn’t incurred these expenses in the first place.

However, and this is going to sound really controversial and I offer no apology, I feel a touch of sympathy for Douglas Hogg MP on this. Here is a man, rightfully elected by his constituents to represent them, who bizarrely has a moat outside his house. Now someone has to maintain this, and I’m guessing that while he’s at home, it’s either Mr Hogg or the local Clean-a-Moat franchise. Now when he’s elected as a public figure to represent his constituents and work on behalf of the whole country, I’d like to think that while he’s away, his home doesn’t go into disrepair.

Now clearly anyone with a house BIG enough to warrant a moat outside isn’t short of a few bob and maybe making tax payers pay up to have it cleaned is taking the p**s a bit in these lean times, but where do you draw the line ? Having his moat cleaned is important to him in the same way as any piece of house maintenance is important to any other MP’s.

We’re already seeing a switch in people able to afford to go to University. Twenty years ago when the students got bigger grants, anyone could go free in the knowledge that they wouldn’t leave with a debt similar to that of a third world country, or worse, the USA. And no-one gave a shit back then that most grant money went into the tills at the local night-club on 2-4-1 night. But now were seeing a change in University applications, less from poorer families, more from the well off middle class.

Clearly using the word ‘expenses’ should make it clear that MP’s shouldn’t benefit from ‘bending’ the rules, but putting limits on rent, bans on maintenance that seem frivolous to the majority (or the fucking Daily Telegraph editorial team who seem to be running the country at the moment) and therefore reducing the expenses that MP’s can claim for, the only situation you will arrive at is a return to the 18 century, the ONLY people who can actually afford to become MP’s are the land owning gentry or people fortunate enough to have a second flat overlooking the Thames.

Not too many sheet metal workers from Glasgow fall into either of those two categories, are there ?

Newcastle United

When asked which team I hate the most, and hate is probably the right word, Newcastle United is the answer. No ifs, no buts, no thinking about it. Not Derby (pity more than anything else), nor Leicester (good to see the little East Midlands teams get a shot in the big leagues), nor the Man Uniteds or Liverpools of this world with their prawn sandwich eating plastic band wagon jumping supporters.

No, for me it’s Newcastle United all the way.

When they nearly won the league a few years back and they were everybody’s favourite second team, it seemed like there was only me happy that they’d blown it, laughing at Kevin Keegan as he defended Stuart Pearce, like he ever needed defending. Fergie done him up like a kipper, guv’nor.

But why ?

Well, go back to March ’74, FA Cup qtr final, Forest drawn away at Newcastle. Forest were a decent second division side at the time against but were against one of the best teams in the top flight away from home, surely only one result ? Well, with 15 minutes to go and Forest 3-1 to the good the form book was well and truly out the window.

Cue the moment my hatred was spawned.

Newcastle fans intent on ‘supporting’ their team the only way Neanderthals know how invaded the pitch, kicking and punching anything in a red shirt as they went. The referee took the teams off until the pitch was clear before restarting the game. A clearly shaken Forest went on to lose the game 4:3, knocked out by thuggery.

The FA, in a rare moment of clarity, decided that the result shouldn’t stand, the game void. So, do we get through by default, Newcastle ejected from the competition ? No. Do we get a replay at the City Ground ? No. We get a game at a neutral venue, Goodison Park. Ah well.

A 0:0 draw, a chance to pull the mighty Newcastle to the City Ground and play them on our turf ? No, the FA, in an all to familiar moment of toadying up to the big clubs, decide that the ‘replay’ should also take place at Goodison Park. Why, what did we have to do to get a replay at home ?

A 1:0 defeat and as far as the FA is concerned all was well. Newcastle got to the final, our season petered out eventually finishing a mere four points off promotion when a top three place looked likely.

So, why bring this up now ?

Newcastle go to Aston Villa on the last day of the current Premiership season not only needing the win, but also requiring other results to go their way. Relegation to the Championship is a distinct possibility.

But Aston Villa have already secured a Europa League place for next season, whether they want it or not, so their players will be, mentally at least, feet up thinking about the beach. Surely they wouldn’t be as bothered about the result as a frantically struggling Newcastle ?

Well, if you go back to the 6th March 1974 and look at the Forest team sheet, you’d notice a young Scottish midfielder by the name of J.Robertson and an even younger Irish midfielder with the name M.O’Neill.

It might take a long time for justice to come through, but revenge is a dish best served cold, and when Newcastle go down, WHEN Newcastle go down, I’ll piss myself ‘til Christmas.

Have you ever ....

A little list doing the rounds on a couple of the message boards at the moment. Obviously Mr Never Trust a Hippy & Mr McGaribaldi should answer these as well.

Pulled a girl at a football match, includes watching on the big screen down the pub. No. “Put ‘em away, duck, I’m watching the football”.

Took a girl to her first ever football match. Yes, a couple of times. Obviously a couple of different women, not the same one a couple of times, that wouldn't count.

Can remember where you was when win England beat Germany 5-1 in the FIFA World Cup qualifiers in Germany ! In the bar of the Gateway Hotel in Cinderhill watching quite possibly the smallest TV in the world.

Shed a tear after Yeovil beat us in the play offs. Yes, see here.

Shed a tear after a England lost on penalties to Argentina or Germany. Germany in 1990 & ‘96, but not Argentina in ’98, hardened to it by then. Come Portugal it just got funny.

Have escaped from a riot outside a game. Yep, Barnsley away ’93.

Spotted yourself on the bigscreen during a match or in the stadium during a repeat programme on TV. Yep, a few times, one of the advantages of being so tall.

Lied to your partner in order to go to a match. Yep, Wimbledon away ’91. “I’ll be round yours for 11”. At 11 I was at Wimbledon tube station, didn’t go down too well.

Finished a Panini sticker album. Yes, ’78 & ’79.

Had a row with your spouse because you went to the match instead of doing what they wanted to do. Yep, see above, Wimbledon ’91. We split up a week later.

Touched the ball when it went into the crowd. No, and this is a strange one. I’ve been going for nearly 40 years, most of which was in low terracing behind the goal, and I’m 6’5”, yet I’ve NEVER touched a match ball. What’s the chances of that ?

Verbally slated one of the players, only for them to score. I must have done at some point, I’ve spent a long time slating players that at least one of them must have proved me a clueless numpty.

Followed Forest and England on a trip abroad. Yep, Auxerre ’95 & Munich ’96.

Met a crazy foreigner who is proud to know who Forest and Brian Clough are. In France & Germany there were plenty of locals keen to buy the English beer.

Had a drink with a player or ex-player. Yep, Pedro Richards ex Notts County and sadly no longer with us.

Was a junior Red. No. Junior Reds had to sit in the Main Stand with their family, while us hard lads stood in the Trent End with the men !!

Watched a match with the away fans. Not so much the away fans, but watched from the home end at a couple of away matches, Spurs in ’94 and Oxford ’98.

Bought the three lions CD by Baddiel and Skinner. Yes.

Bought a ticket off a tout for more than double the face value. No, although paying £45 for an England Scotland ticket back in ’96 seemed like a rip-off at the time.

Invested in a Forest or England tattoo. No.

Hugged a complete stranger after Forest or England scored. Yes, there wasn’t anyone more strange than the woman / thing that had the seat next to me in the Upper Bridgford.

Skived off work/school to watch a football match. Can’t remember, although I guess I must have done at some point.

Queued up for more than 2 hours to buy a ticket for a football match. League Cup Final tickets in ’89.

Watched the football results come in on the TV in a shop window. Yep.

Refused to go to a friend's wedding because it was on a matchday. No, although if pressed I think I probably would.

Never left a match before hearing the final whistle. No, but only a couple of times.

Followed a match's progress for the entire 90 minutes on Teletext. Yes, dull isn’t it ?

Followed a match's progress on the internet minute by minute commentary. Yes, still quite dull.

Shamelessly convinced a young and impressionable relative that they should support your club. Yes, and they still do.

Converted a girlfriend to support your football club. Yes.

listened to a game on the radio while indulging in sexual acts with your partner. Even better, while it was on the TV !!!

Seen the Film "Escape to Victory" at least 3 times. Yep.

Been ejected from a ground or pub during a match. No, I’m a good boy me.

Taken a piece of terracing or turf as a souvenir. Grass from the City Ground.

Been involved in a pitch invasion. City Ground, Portman Road, London Road, Meadow Lane …..

Started the singing in the crowd during a game and its spread all round the ground or pub. Yep.

Fallen out with a best friend or close relative over club rivalry. Yes, but not even over club rivalry, we support the same team !!!

Asked your partner to wear a Forest shirt during sex. Yes, although I soon found it wasn’t as erotic as I thought it might be !!

Successfully explained the offside rule to someone who doesn't have a clue. Yep.

Had a kickaround at the service station on an away trip. Oh yes.

Smashed something in anger after a heinous defeat. There’s a sink in the Upper Bridgford that is still dented to this day after I kicked it in anger after a shockingly bad home defeat to Norwich in ’93.

The worst thing that will come out of this is ….

Far more intelligent people than me have blogged about MP’s expenses, while the Daily Telegraph continues its own single-handed self-appointed role as sole arbitrator of dog food receipts.

Consensus inevitably comes to these points

MP’s aren’t all corrupt, although that won’t stop the Torygraph slinging enough muck to cover most of Norfolk

Gordon Brown is corrupt, in big letters

Although, actually, it was all someone else’s mistake in smaller letters further down the article and he isn’t actually corrupt.

Therefore, the system needs updating

All the party leaders apologise, probably more as a pre-emptive ‘sorry’ for the items that HAVEN’T come out yet, but what will all this mean in the long term.

It’s a bit tiring being a labour supporter at the moment. Small ‘L’ indicating my more than lapsed activism towards a party bearing only the name of the one I joined over 25 years ago.

What can they do about the credit crunch ? Not a great deal, except in Gordon Brown you’ve probably got the best man for the job to sort it out, a grey-suited accountant who can do magic with figures, but can’t produce a decent YouTube sound bite without looking like, well, a grey-suited accountant.

The current expenses row will push the already disillusioned electorate towards demanding change come the next election probably leading to another tenure for the suddenly sleaze-free Conservatives, all because a few ‘Labour’ MP’s massaged their expenses. Anyone who can remember the period between ’92 and ’97, the last possible year the Tories could hang on to what little chance they had to cream off the top, will recall a government riddled with corruption & sleaze.

But they’ll get back in and the only people who’ll benefit will be the top earners, your share-holders, middle England, fat-cats.

Exactly the same people who caused the f***ing credit-crunch mess in the first place.

Nothing new, but nice all the same ....

From the Observer

Proud of Nottingham

On the up

So the season came to an official end with a decent home win against an already relegated Southampton side. Decent in so much that a team playing bobbins for 70 minutes to win by two goals is a sign of a good side.

Next season promises much, the board are starting to listen to the supporters by freezing season ticket prices, players are finding it harder to guarantee a place in the side purely by being stuck up the manager's a**e, instead having to rely on actual ability and we now have a manager who knows the path to the Premier League.

So, in short, a team on the up.

I haven't felt this confident since Joe Kinnear led us to safety at the end of the 2003/04 season with a combination of astute loan signings, better tactics and crowd euphoria. 2004/05 was going to be our season.

So, roll on 2009/10. I hope it's as good as 2004/05, but for some reason, I seem to have wiped that from my memory .....

This is no longer a mans world

Proof, if proof were needed, that now in the twenty first century, it’s no longer men who wear the trousers.

Men have been battling the vicious man-flu for years, some even unable to get down the pub for a pint because of their near-death predicament. And yet as soon as a flu comes along that can be caught by both men AND women, whoosh, you can’t move for the clearly female led World Health Organisation swarming all over it. Like a rash.

There's a phone number to ring if you've got any concerns over swine flu. I tried ringing it, but all I got was crackling.

One woman tells of symptoms involving a sore head, achy limbs and not wanting to get out of bed. And what happened ? She got prescribed tablets. Hardly that bad then, normal man-flu is so bad it has NO cure.

I had similar symptoms a few weeks back, nauseous, head-ache and I just couldn’t raise my self out of my pit. I reckon I must have caught something in one of the 16 pubs I visited the day before.

So, welcome to the mans world, missy.

Women, eh ? Bit of pain comes along and they don’t know they’re born !

Joey Barton

Mindless thug, or intuitive genius ?

From the Guardian

According to today's Sun, Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton and his caretaker manager Alan Shearer had a right old ding-dong in the visitors' dressing room at Anfield on Sunday afternoon. Raging that Barton had got himself sent off for a needless over-the-top challenge on Xabi Alonso, Shearer took Barton to task over his rash challenge, only to be told that "you're a s*** manager with s*** tactics". The endearingly coy tabloid's liberal use of asterisks means we may never know for certain whether Barton was being abusive, but considering his famously withering reviews of the literary endeavours of England's most recent crop of World Cup failures, it's probably safe to assume his critique of Shearer's managerial skills was far from five-star.

Twenty million reasons why staying up was so important

From the Daily Mirror (and, it has to be said, taken with a huge dollop of salt)

Nottingham Forest to spend £20million on players this summer

Nottingham Forest chairman Nigel Doughty will cough up £20million this summer to turn his Championship strugglers into promotion contenders.

Doughty, 52, has deep pockets as the coowner of a European private equity firm.

And boss Billy Davies is expected to bring in at least six players - with QPR keeper Lee Camp, Man City striker Ched Evans and Spurs fullback Chris Gunter in the frame.

Credit crunch ? What credit crunch ?????

Sometimes the punchlines just write themselves

From the BBC

An Iranian scholar who stole pages from priceless books at Oxford's Bodleian library and the British Library has had his sentence halved.

And who says we don't practice 'eye for an eye' justice in this country ?

I'm not a great believer in religion, but .....

..... sometimes they talk a lot of sense.

'Derby is worse than Baghdad' says vicar on Nottingham visit

I have. I lived in Derby. In my former life, when I did obstetric anaesthetics, I did it at Derby City Hospital. Derby was the worst place I've ever worked in my life. Far worse than Baghdad.

From the Nottingham Evening Post