On holiday

Away on holidays next week, so I'll leave you with quite easily the funniest moment EVER in the history of football. You know what's coming next, and it's STILL funny. Enjoy.

Click the picture, sign the petition

'We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Reward Health Service Workers with a pay rise equal the real rate of inflation.'




Instead of the less-than-inflation 1.9% they're currently getting.

A bit of a no-brainer this one

Another instance .....

Where the screen says one thing:












And my brain reads something completely different:

If you can get away with it .....

Bag o'shite

Well, that was that then, the whole season summed up in two play-off games.

Off to a good start without playing very well and into a supposedly unassailable lead only to blow it right at the end due to a combination of poor team selection, negative tactics and player indiscipline.

I'm willing to give managers due time to make their mark before asking for their head on a plate, but some of the decisions made last night were simply shocking. As soon as the first Yeovil corner we had all eleven men in the box, taking off a centre forward (and only outlet) for a centre-half is a poor decision in hindsight, but that leaves us with three centre-halves on the pitch when one of the smallest players heads in the equalizer. What Calderwood said just before extra time had a fantastic effect as we conceded within 30 seconds, and as extra time went on the players were dead on their feet with no chance of taking off the injured as we'd already used all three subs in tactical circumstances.

Colin Calderwood has come out and said the better team won. I would argue against the Yeovil eleven being better than our eleven, but it's good management that makes them the better team, and when you're admitting that you're a worse manager than Russell Slade, you may as well go home. Please.

David Prutton is an idiot, just been booked, had another warning off the ref and dives in with two feet. Pratt.

There is no silver lining to this. It will be easier for me to get to the Leeds away game next season, but remember their fans are animals, so much so that their program sellers wear shin-pads, but that's it.

If things are allowed to continue, this is it for Forest for the next ten to fifteen years, a nothing lower division side.

We need a manager with passion, experience, knowledge & leadership to lead a decent group of players up the leagues where we belong. Maybe one who is currently looking for a managerial position. Maybe one willing to bring in a current non-league manager as assistant.

Now, who could that possibly be ?

Bag o' nerves

Can't really see Forest blowing it tonight, an early goal would settle the nerves, but so long as the players don't take Yeovil for granted we should be more than ok.

The final, if we get there, would be a different prospect. While Yeovil haven't scored past us in three (THREE!!!) games this season and therefore are only fooling themselves when they complain of being beaten in the first leg, Blackpool are flying while Oldham know our weak points all too well.

In some ways, I'd rather go out tonight than lose at Wembley next week.

The oldest excuse in the world

Sat watching tele last night, couldn't see a thing. Had to borrow a pair of my mum's old glasses.

Why ?

(Never thought I would ever use this excuse but it's completely true, honest, and let's face it, you couldn't make it up)

The dog ATE my glasses.

More good stuff

Recommended

Should Prince Harry go to Iraq ?

The arguments saying he should include his own personal desire as an army officer and trying to ensure that he is treated the same as other army personnel, despite the obvious preferential treatment of fast-tracking an in-bred, thick, drunkard, fascist sympathiser through officer school.

On the other side is the genuine fear that he and his unit would attract unwanted attention by the enemy. They might shoot at him, something that is clearly not happening to the rest of the British army, who are getting shot at, not only by the enemy, but Americans as well.

I think I have a solution.

Find the most barren area in Iraq, parachute Prince Harry in on his own wearing a vest emblazoned with three red concentric circles and wait for every Iraqi insurgent to chase after him.

If nothing else, it'll keep them off the regular army's back for a couple of days. Enough time to pull them out safely.

Away Goals Count Double

I love explaining the away goals rule to me mam:

"So, if we lose 4:2 away, that means it's a draw ?"

No, mum, no it doesn't.

Away goals don't count in the League play-offs.

This is why the away goals rule should have counted in 2003, and this is why it should count today.

Of course, if we lose 3:1 on Friday night, I will probably change my opinion.

New Order - Bizarre Love Triangle

No More New Order

Bad news if this is true, probably my favourite band of the last 25 years.

Hard to think that there will be no more new stuff, their recent material was as good, if not better, than some of their more well known back catalogue.

Standing in a field at the Reading Festival in 1989, the light show, the lasers picking out the swirling patterns from the smoke machines, the Tony Wilson introduction, probably the best live version of Blue Monday I've ever heard, a fantastic evening and one I'll never forget.

The singles collection, Substance, released in 1987, is by far and away my desert island disc, I know every single bleep, symbol, note, word, pause, everything. Over the years I've worn out two tape copies and am now onto my third CD set, the others being 'borrowed' along the way.

A sad day.

The king is dead, long live the king

A Thursday night in spring 1997, I spent an entire evening crying in front of the television. Election result programs are never the most emotional or exciting visual experiences, but this one was different.

I'll never forget sitting dumbfounded in 1992 as the BBC's box of tricks predicted a Labour win, only to be instantly reversed as soon as the first result was in, firstly to a hung parliament and just as quickly into a narrow Tory victory. There were no tears that night, just an incredulity that the British public could be so blatantly selfish, stupid and fooled in such numbers. AGAIN.

But 1997 was different, tears of joy after more tears of joy as result after fantastic result confirming Tory defeat after yet another Tory defeat came through. The number of toffee nosed public school educated in-breds clogging up unemployment offices rocketed the day after. There were only so many day-time presenter vacancies open.

The Friday morning the streets seemed more colourful, people smiled & said 'hello' to complete strangers, it was a good time to be alive. We could all d:ream, things can only get better.

Have they ?

You can now buy a DVD player for less than the cost of a DVD to play in it, so long as you don't drive it home as you'll end up paying more in petrol tax than it's worth. Don't try walking down the street with it under your arm, either, as the ability to kill with impunity seems to have risen directly in line with the desire to carry weapons, for self defence innit. Interest rates are on the rise again, but then people are so far in debt that the interest rate figure is largely irrelevant, if you're broke now, chances are you'll be more broke tomorrow. For years we were told to save for our retirement, only then to be told that the pension fund had gone overboard somewhere in the Mediterranean, but not to worry, the retirement age has gone up so far we'll all die at work anyway. That's if an NHS super bug doesn't kill us all off first.

Would all this have happened anyway ?

Probably.

I've always said that hoodies are just a natural evolution of Thatcherism. A fair days pay for a fair days work was the mantra back in the day, replaced by your loads-a-money generation in the 80's. In their defence, at least your yuppie trader turned up to work in his red-rimmed glasses and Porsche, your average hoodie takes Thatcherism to its logical conclusion, money for nothing. As the NHS improves (and it DOES improve despite government interference) the mortality rate decreases increasing the pension burden on not only the government coffers, but also company pension schemes.

It would have been nice to have a socialist government who would have funded the NHS to the hilt, been tough on the causes of crime (years of Tory abuse) and paid public workers what they were due.

But if they'd have promised that, they would never have got elected in the first place, would they ?

Writer after writer will attempt to sum up the last ten years of Blair rule. Let's be honest, most will make a better job of it than me.

There's a scene in a Simpson's episode where Apu has to pass an immigration test to stay in America. When asked to explain the causes of the American Civil War, he attempts a lengthy answer only to be stopped by the examiner and told to just answer "Slavery".

I'm willing to bet every single other Blair summary sums up his ten years in office using one four letter word beginning with "I" and his loyalty to his four-letter friend beginning with "B".

And I bet none of them squeeze in a reference to Americas REAL first family.

Put one of these in your car NOW

To get one, post a SAE to "Free car sticker", BBC Nottingham, London Road, Nottingham NG2 4UU.

Full details here.

You know it makes sense.

And this is why no-one likes Leeds United

A few years back, Leicester City got into financial trouble. Rather than struggle and fight their way out of it like many a club did before, they chose the cowards way out, administration. Hundreds of small businesses were told that the work they had done in good faith for a huge local employer was worthless, some went to the wall. One of the organisations not paid by Leicester was the local ambulance service, how low can you get. While being in administration, they wheeled and dealed in the transfer market, paying over-hyped players stupid wages in a vain gamble to get to the promised land. They lost and have been struggling again ever since. But they'll never have to pay back their debts.

As a direct result of this unacceptable behaviour, the football league introduced a 10 point penalty to clubs going into administration. At first glance, a "kick 'em while their down" policy from a former Tory government minister, but put in place to stop clubs doing a "Leicester" by deliberately going into administration in order to get one up on their potential rivals.

Wrexham struggled against this penalty and this season Rotherham fell to the same fate.

But nothing compares to the deliberate mis-management and potentially illegal goings on at Elland Road.

6 years ago, Leeds were semi-finalists in the Champions League, yet next season will be playing the likes of Hartlepool, Cheltenham & Forest (?). the speed of their fall from grace puts our own sorry descent into the shade. "Living the dream" was how Peter Risdale put it, and at the time, no-one argued with him. Gold-plated fish tanks, FFS !!!

The decision to go into administration now, rather than allow time for potential investors just shows what a bunch of crooks currently count Elland Road as their place of work. Not only do they deny their loyal fans the slim possibility of climbing out of relegation, therefore making any journey to Derby on the last day pointless, they then cheat League One sides out of a ten point penalty next season, meaning they can start with a clean slate, a far better position than many clubs at that level who have not chosen the easy way out.

But what do you expect from a club run, and now completely owned, by Ken Bates. Remember, this is a man who wanted to electrocute football fans in the eighties, and who now flatly refuses to lower prices at Elland Road, despite the fact they have one of the biggest grounds in the country and a loyal fan-base currently drifting away to the successful rugby league side in their thousands.

I hate Ken Bates, and there's not many people who fall into that category. Thatcher would be one, Val Kilmer another (although through no fault of his own) and Newcastle United. I think it's safe to say if I were walking down the street and saw Ken Bates on fire, the first thing I'd do is find the nearest shop and buy marshmallows.

The fact that Leeds United, the club that had Cloughie and treated him like dirt, a club that kicked & fouled & cheated their way to the title in the seventies, a club whose fans created mayhem all over Europe, is now controlled by a man who treats supporters with contempt is in some way ironic.

The two are made for each other and there's still a long way further down.

More football funnies

A good Man United one .....
























One from Liverpool, funny, but not original .....

At least we're not in this much trouble

Second chance

If you're cool, buy Jamie T - Sheila when it's released on May 7.

If you're REALLY cool, buy it, then pretend you bought it when I recommended it last year on its previous release.