LuckyCol’s review of the year 2009

January

Forest decided to sack Calderwoodout on Boxing Day 2008, appointing Billy Davies just before our FA Cup trip to Premier League Manchester City, the richest club in the world. Billy could only sit & wonder exactly what it was he’d need to do as Forest completely outplayed & thrashed a poor City side. A contender for goal of the year from Nathan Tyson and a cracking half-time interlude in the concourse of the city of Manchester stadium. If only it could be like this every week.

I turned 40 in January, although I still don’t feel any different. Having a birthday banner in the pub is a novel experience, but also said pub having to close its doors at nine o’clock because of the sheer numbers of people is something you don’t see very often. It might have been me, or it may have had something to do with the band that were on. Too close to call !

February

Selectadisc announced it was closing, probably the saddest piece of news for many a Notts music fan.

The lions outside the Council House are called Oscar & Leo, apparently. There’s something I didn’t know at the start of the year.

Joe Calzaghe is a great big chicken, more bothered about his prancing about on Saturday night tele than getting in the ring with a genuine challenger. Carl Froch is now a world champion while Calzaghe is living in a caravan somewhere after cocking his marriage up. Ah well.

ITV are crap at showing live football. Any football. Any sport. Anything. ITV are just crap. Think about it, what was the last thing you watched on ITV ? Exactly.

Craig Bellamy is a dick. Like I didn’t know that before.

Martin O’Neil bottled the chance to become Forest manager, preferring to manage in the Scottish equivalent of the Blue Square Premier. In February he showed what money will do to a previously principled man. He’s had his chance, so f**k him. Good luck on the way down, Martin.

March

The town of Burnley moved in March. Before it was on the main (and I use the word ‘main’ very loosely) road to Blackburn, but shortly before we played there, they moved it lock, stock & barrel to just north of Glasgow. How else do you explain that it took over 4 hours to get there. And then we got beat 5:0. Poor, poor, poor. I remember the defeat well, it was our last on the road until …….

Who’d have thought there were enough intelligent people in Derby to warrant a University ? Actually, thinking about it, how can there be, stupid question. What it should read is this: Who’d have though there were so many stupid people in the UK that think Derby is a good place to carry on your education ?

Not only did Burnley move, but then Nottingham moved south, to the side of the Thames actually. Now that explains the 4 hour journey to Burnley ! Our big wheel, THE NOTTINGHAM EYE, had to be renamed so as not to confuse people with the London equivalent. I’ve been on both, and can’t see the other from the top of either. Anyone who gets the two confused must be so thick that the call from Derby University can only be days away.

Forest suddenly started getting professional. You could argue it’s something that other clubs have been doing for years, were only catching up, but still it doesn’t sit quite right.

With Selectadisc going, bang goes another Nottingham legend, the Irish. There’ll soon be no reason at all for me to go to town.

March saw the start of a worrying increase in retards thinking it was OK to make racist comments without even first caveating it with “I’m not being racist, but …”. A post office owner decided to not serve people who couldn’t speak English. The Post Office decided to tell him to do one. Good riddance.

And then I got a f***ing parking ticket. Outside my f***ing house. Marvellous.

However, good news came as I took my last Taekwondo club grading. A nice black tag to go round my red belt. Only six months to go ……

April

Forest’s professionalism showed is uglier face as we stole all three points off Bristol City. Oops. And then we play well enough to stay up, as though it was the easiest thing in the world, it’s just we couldn’t be bothered doing it before.

The twenty year anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster highlighted the lack of accountability still shockingly missing. It may seem to those uninformed that maybe it’s time to let it go, but a read of the official report should persuade you otherwise.

May

In May we learnt that Derby is a worst place than Baghdad. Like we didn’t know that before, d’uh !

Newcastle got relegated, Joey Barton swore at Alan Shearer while the rest of the country laughed. We still haven’t stopped. I celebrate with a bottle of 'dog'. It goes down really well !! Man United also fail to retain the Champions League, completely outclassed by Barcelona. Ha ha ha ha ha !! Can't retain the European Cup, not in our league, then, are they ?

The MP’s expenses debacle blew up. Suddenly we had to care about duck islands, husbands who watch adult films and whether someone has their spare toothbrush in their London flat or their constituency home. I have two toothbrushes the same, so that doesn’t bother me, I never knew ducks lived anywhere else other than on water or river banks, and to be honest, I’d be more bothered if blokes didn’t watch a bit of blue while stuck in a hotel, don’t we all do that ?

June

In June it was reported that eating a curry once a week helps prevent Alzheimer's. Bonus.

Mouth breathing, tattooed, fat loser on a grab-a-granny night out gets tazered for repeatedly ignoring Police requests to firstly calm down, then secondly give himself up for arrest. Or, gentle caring citizen gunned down by Police marksmen in a scene resembling the end of Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid. You decide, it all got videoed for posterity. Otherwise, no-one would have been any the wiser or given a shit. Which no-one does anyway after he gets an interview on East Midlands Today when you start to sympathise with the Policeman.

The newly elected Tory controlled County Council tries to stop the development of public transport. Now there’s a f***ing shock. What next, cuts in public services ? Oh ….

In June it was reported that eating a curry once a week helps prevent Alzheimer's. Bonus.

July

As the ashes were well under way, time for the Aussies to start moaning about not winning. Best get used to it, boys.

With no football in July, Saturday afternoons can be spent getting trolleyed in the Horse & Groom.

Or Wollaton Park. For free !!!!!

Who said not football in July ? Sven Goran Ericsson joins Notts County. I’ll just repeat that, Sven Goran Ericsson, the bloke who used to be England manager, shagged Ulrika Johnson, joins Notts County. And then they beat us in a pre-season friendly with jolly killer Lee Hughes up front. I have a lie down, it’s all too much.

August

Ingoldmells never changes. Good. Conversely, neither does Mablethorpe. Bad.

Forest completely hammer West Brom, but lose to an own goal. Then they are in turn completed hammered by Watford. Oops could be one of those seasons. However, the first 45 minutes against Derby at the end of the month make me smile from ear to ear, and I’m not alone. Oh yes. Nathan Tyson auditions for the job of flag carrier at the 2012 Olympics. Genius.

Researches found that drinking gives you a headache, while understanding the impact zombies would make on society. That place at Derby University is looking more and more appealing by the minute, isn’t it ?

Big Brother is cancelled. Woohoo. Now if only the same can be done for X-Factor, Britain’s Got Talent, Strictly Come Dancing, I’m a Celebrity …….

September

Off to Sheffield for an all you can drink bat round some of the better pubs in Yorkshire, including the best pub in the country, apparently. I wouldn’t even put it in the top three pubs I could walk to, let alone have to travel to by train.

Forest lose to Blackpool & Blackburn in the space of four days. All these defeats …..

Off to London. Can’t see Nottingham from the London Eye: Check. Rude cockneys on the Tube: Check. Everything overly expensive, foul air & crap beer: Check, check & indeed, check.

October

Goose Fair is still the best way to haemorrhage £100, while the Beer Festival just gets better and better. God, I love October !

On a warm autumn afternoon in October I finally passed up to Black Belt. Four years training, bruises, broken bones (not mine, fortunately) all lead to a nervy 8 minutes and an even nervier wait for the result. I’m convinced I’ve blown it, but haven’t. It looks good !!

Simon Amstell rounds off the month in fine style. October’s ace !!

November

Forest win some, draw some, lose, well, none at all. That’s a couple of months now. We could be bothering the right end of the table if we’re not careful.

The City Council finally get some good press in, of all places, the Daily Mail’s Nottingham Evening Post. It can’t last, though, can it ?

December

The City Council finally get some good press in, of all places, the Daily Mail’s Nottingham Evening Post. So it can last then ! Well, right up until the leader of the Council decides to slag off his own planning department. Oops.

Nottingham is deluged with retards looking for a fight. Actually, Nottingham is the latest venue for a couple of hundred Luton hooligans & friends they’ve picked up on the internet to drink themselves into a stupor, piss all over ancient monuments, fight anything that doesn’t look like a bald c**t in a Ben Sherman shirt and then complain that their civil liberties have been withheld. Diddums. If you don’t like it, f**k off home to your mum. Twats.

Forest hammer Leicester at home. It’s all looking almost too good. I’ll wake up soon, we’ll still be in League One and Calderwoodout or (**shiver **) Megson will still be manager.

I get swine flu. F***ing marvellous. But at least I come out of this well known disease with as many testicles as I started, which makes a change.

It snows a little bit and the whole country comes to a stand still. People who are told not to turn up to airports & railway stations turn up anyway and then moan they’re not being told anything. Still, it could be worse, we could live in America where it’s acceptable to pull a gun in a snowball fight. Whatever happened to “accidentally” picking up a piece of dog egg in your snowballs ?

A proper moron decides to blow up an American plane by setting his leg on fire. What next ? Flying to the moon by cutting your finger off ?!! America decides to increase its security processes, conveniently forgetting that the moron in question was actually on an exisitng security database but they still let him travel anyway. It begs the question, who are the biggest morons in this ?